Happy Birthday Ernest Hemingway
- My mum loved A Moveable Feast, and phoned me on three separate occasions to tell me to read it.
- I have not yet done so.
- Also, I have never read A Farewell to Arms.
- Or For Whom the Bell Tolls.
- You have been dead for a long time now, so you will not mind when I admit that the only thing of yours I’ve ever read is “Indian Camp”.
- You further will not mind when I concede that up until five minutes ago, I thought “Indian Camp” was by Salinger.
- I know the names of all your wives though: Hadley, Fife, Martha, and Mary.
- Hadley: sensible; Fife: rich; Martha: clever; Mary: last.
- You: a brilliantly scheming toddler the whole time.
- Two other things I know: you were the proud owner of a succession of six-toed cats, and when you were young in Paris you examined F Scott Fitzgerald’s penis and told him that it was of Normal Size.
- If I had to be stuck on a desert island with your or Scott, I would choose you instantly, and I am not just saying that because it’s your birthday.
- You at least would build us some kind of shelter, while Scott would just die of the DTs right there on the sand.